Dead Man's Letter
by XonDev
Summary: Cloud finds a peculiar letter...


**Warning:** Probably mistakes, Sephiroth soft-bashing, ill sarcasm, language, Cloud-obsessive!Zack + sick romance infused with perversion, and overall silliness...

* * *

><p><em>"My darlings...<em>

_...my beloved ones..._

_...my flying sweet chamber pots..._

_...my toothless little piglets._

_You have no idea how much I miss you all since I'm gone, in that absolutely horrid **'accident' ****(they dared call it that) **where I was, in one drastic sentence, shot __down dead like a rabbit in hunting season. I miss running through the green meadows, the birds and the bees, the action of splitting enemies open like butter under knife. Oh, so sweet... Even driving them crazy was fun._

_Man, I miss even Sephiroth, and that's saying something. I would give everything to listen to one of his preaches right now: "Zack, don't run in the corridors swinging the Buster Sword around, or you'll take an eye out of someone with it.", or even "Zack, I would appreciate it if you didn't wake up your neighbours with loud, hormone induced dreams about cadet Strife. At that time of the night, there's actually a lot of grown up decent people who's trying to sleep.", or maybe a "Zack, your mission was a failure. Not everything you killed was an enemy. Just assume responsibility and admit you are a waste of Shin-Ra's budget." Really... such a cool, motivating and sympathetic guy, don't you think?_

_Of course I also miss the Turks **(turkey anyone?)**. Reno, the always available company for a drinks & chicks night out **(sorry, my beautiful sunflower, but I'm a Man!)** and Rude... yeah. He's more of the silent type, but a good company to be socialize with... somewhat. Anyway, I was never convinced with their behaviour after a certain night... which involved a bet and the rest is kinda blurry. But I know something happened because the baldy was very tense, quiet **(much more than normal...which is...much) **and Reno spent the day in the bathroom scrubbing his teeth and disinfecting his mouth. Really weird, I tell you._

_**PS1:** Angeal says hi and sends kisses. Ah, Aerith too. And three other brothers very familiar, who I'm betting are Sephiroth's kids. Hehe, bad, naughty boy, eh? And supposedly **'I'**was the one fooling around with shrewd intentions. Shrewd my ass! I bet he knows Kamasutra from page 1 to the end with his eyes closed. A man full of principles, like hell!_

_Either way, damning it all to a very bad place, what I miss most is **You**, sunshine of my very dead existence, my lovely Chocobo. Of your gravity defying gold hair **(how doesn't it even fall in the rain?)**, your sky-blue celestial eyes, that heat and power showing with the infusion of Mako, your lithe body, small yet deliciously trained by the SOLDIER program. Geez, I'm coming just from imagining it. Damn, what I wouldn't give to see **You **manage the Buster Sword around, cutting enemies around, sweat trickling down that white porcelain skin... only some sparkling and wings are missing to make you look like a real angel._

_Well, shit. Now I'm actually fucking pissed off at the guys around there being able to see you like that. It makes me want to go there and rip their guts out. Maybe gouge their eyes._

_On the other hand, it gives me goosebumps and images too strong for your sweet innocence. You're still innocent, right? Hm, maybe Tifa wouldn't mind if I possessed her body and tried to... no, that would be too forceful. Or maybe a little "Cloud, have my babies!"? No? Doesn't hurt to try. But the kids you now have with you would probably be traumatized, so I guess it's a definite __**'Not'**._

_**PS2:** Angeal asks if you can **(in case you find "motherfucking Genesis", his words) **kill him. That way it's easier for Angeal to kick his ass into kingdom come. Nowadays, it's very difficult to go down there and possess someone to do it, it's not as easy as you mortal specimen think. Guidelines and stuff, you know?._

_As for the rest, here 'finito', don't forget to change my grave's flowers, the other ones are already withered. It's a poor sight. Don't do anything rash... or better yet, do it so you can come earlier and I don't have to sleep alone at night, worried about your virtue. If anyone does anything to you, chop their heads off... or call me and I'll chop them off for you. I'll even castrate them before that. Make them wish never having been born. Or putting their eyes on you. Either way is good._

_Kisses, fluffy hugs and blessings and never forget your love of all time._

_Always your slave,_

_Zack of Paradise."_

The mysterious letter had appeared out of nowhere, resting on top of the table, which obviously meant it was for Cloud. It didn't have a name, but obviously it was for him. He opened it anyway.

Meaningless to say, bad idea.

Scratch that. A _**very bad**_idea.

For the nth time that evening, the letter was re-read. First, the blonde thought it to be a stupid joke from someone equally stupid and childish by the name of Reno. But the fire-haired Turk hadn't been seen for days. None of the Turks were around.

However, after some more speculation and trying to decipher the horrible calligraphy, Cloud became aware it was his long deceased friend's handwriting. Don't ask how that's possible, it just was. And _**yes**_, his long dead _**friend**_.

Crystal clear blue eyes shone with emotion at the first sentences _**(of course, skipping very quickly the rough introduction)**_... only to widen in stupefaction with each word. Letter read and re-read again, the ex-SOLDIER remained silent and static, apparently without showing any reaction whatsoever, golden-blond bangs hiding his face.

The next second a sound of paper being hastily crumbled and a gentle thud in the trashcan is the only thing heard, along with a string of carefully chosen swear words under soft breath. If Zack hadn't been dead then, he would be when Cloud found him.

He sighed in frustration and, ticked off, rolled his eyes, pushing the main door open to get out in one more of his deliveries, dark thoughts about "pervert apparitions that not even when they're dead can leave the living alone to do their jobs in peace".


End file.
